La Dolce Vita

My life has been marked. It's been crossed through by a dad who could never get it together all the time to be my dad. I just want to be the little girl, but I feel like I never really get to play that part. He was supposed to come and help me move in today. And he didn't come. And I can't keep my heart from jumping to where is he, is he okay? And I worry about things that I'm to young to worry about. That the little girl shouldn't have to worry about.

My heart breaks, and my mom says heidi it can't break you have to realize its already broken. my heart is broken and my life is scarred. and it hurts deeper to know that in his true heart and mind he is hurting more than I am right now. You see, my dads a great guy. and thats the part thats hard. cuz he has been there sometimes and he has taken care of me sometimes. it'd be a lot easier to not care about him if he was mean and unkind all the time. but i've gotten to glimpse at his real soul. he's my dad and I know who he truely is deep down inside, and he's a great guy.

but then days like today happen, where i'm dissapointed and let down, and reminded all again about the rawness of pain and what real life is. it hurts just as much every time, i wish i could say it gets better, but its just the same open wound. it only takes less time to heal after being opened again.

and so my first night in my apartment is christened with tears and kleenexes and a heart that is and already has been broken for a long time.

but from this pain, this raw heart, this place is how i want to love the world. this is real life. and while its one of the hardest places to sit, its also one of the true and most honest places to sit. on this level people's hearts and souls can be combined with passion. Lord use this rawness in my life to help heal others. amen